The Goat Ban
Effective immediately, retroactively, and forever. The goat is banned.
The banned. Portrait supplied by the accused, who insisted on it.
Let the record show that Warner Empire hates the goat. Not in the casual way. In the documented way, with a decree, a seal, and a page on the internet where anyone can read it at any hour.
The goat is banned from the premises. The goat is banned from the merch table. The goat is banned from the album, the album art, the liner notes, and any future project he has heard about or will hear about. The goat is banned from the good chairs. The goat knows what he did.
Official Reasons
Filed by management. Read into the record. Not open to appeal, discussion, or bleating.
- Charge OneOn the night of the call, the goat had one job: carry the word when the raven could not leave the standard. The goat stopped at the trough, told every brother the others were already on the road, and delivered nothing. Nobody came. The goat swears he delivered it. The goat is lying. The goat is always lying.
- Charge TwoWhen it was over, the goat was found at the table, eating, like a creature who had earned a seat. He had not earned a seat. He has never earned a seat.
- Charge ThreeThe luck stone incident. The goat swore blind that the black stone was a luck stone. It was a stone. The crew rowed it across the entire sea. The goat has been presented with the stone, the sea, and the witnesses. The goat maintains it was lucky.
- Charge FourThe goat claims he wrote the songs. The goat cannot write. The goat can barely read. The sheet music he was holding, on stage, in front of witnesses, was upside down.
- Charge FiveGeneral conduct. You cannot trust a goat. This charge has no closing date.
What the Ban Changes
An honest accounting, as the law of the empire requires.
Nothing. The ban changes nothing, because the goat was never invited. He was not on the list. There is barely a list. He simply kept appearing, eating, and lying, and now there is paperwork about it.
He will still be fed, because we are not monsters. He will still be blamed, because we are not fools. Every charge since the night of the call is just interest.
What This Means for the Album
Horns of Hatred, Go Fucking Crazy On It, coming soon on Totally Not A Label.
With the goat officially banned, management can now promise, with full confidence and a clear conscience, that Horns of Hatred will be gloriously, proudly, defiantly not good.
Four goats in their forties will cover all the songs, horribly, at a bar no one goes to, and it will be released exactly like that. No goat labor was used in the making of this record, because the goat is banned, and also because his only contribution to music so far has been a false claim of authorship delivered with his mouth full.
The album is not out yet. The goat was in charge of the schedule. The goat ate the schedule. The ban does not fix this. The ban is about principle.
The Goat, On Shirts
He is banned from the premises, the merch table, and the album. He is not banned from the merchandise. Management sees no contradiction and declines to explain.
The Goat Did It$34
Wrong Place, Right Time$34
The Goat Was Already There$34
Choose Your Management$34
The whole sorry catalog lives in the shop: All the merch →
Objections
The floor was opened. Briefly.
The goat has objected to the ban. The goat objects that he delivered the message, that the stone was lucky, that he wrote the songs, and that the trough was on his way. The goat's objections have been noted and ignored, in full, in order, and with feeling.
The goat has also objected to being described as in his forties. The objection was noted. The birth records say otherwise.
The Goat's Voice
His official response, appended to this decree. Against advice.
Management has decided, against the advice of the Raven, that the goat can have his voice. The Raven advised against it. The Raven's objection is noted. What follows is the goat, in his own words, unedited, appended to the decree he is answering. Management already regrets this.
"I delivered the message. I delivered it twice. Nobody was home either time, which is not my fault and has never been my fault.
The luck stone was lucky. We are all still here, are we not. That is the luck. You are welcome.
This ban is discrimination against goats, plain and simple, and everyone at the trough agrees with me.
I wrote every one of those songs. Every one. I demand credit, I demand royalties, and I demand to be taken seriously by a bird.
The raven knows nothing. The raven is a bird."
His full statement, published as a press release because he would not stop asking: The Goat's Press Release →
Final ruling: The raven stays. The raven stayed on the standard the whole way home, never left his post, and remembers every stroke of it. The raven knows. The ban is permanent (allegedly).
Sealed with one claw print. No explanation will follow.
The whole affair, drawn: the message, the trough, and the table, in six panels: Why We Hate the Goat: The Comic →
Every place and reference in the empire, on one chart: The Map of All the References →
New here? The whole story, in the founder's own words: WTF Is Warner Empire? →
Every empire needs a uniform.
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