The raven seal of Totally Not Real Companies Totally Not Real Companies
The raven, perched on his branch, the official seal of the holding company
Warner Empire, LC · Salt Lake City, Utah

Totally Not Real
Companies

A holding company for companies that are legally distinct from real companies.

Seven companies listed · None of them real · The raven keeps the registry
07
Companies listed
00
Companies that are real
01
Empire
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Messages delivered by the goat
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About

Warner Empire, LC holds many companies. These are not them. These are the other ones.

Totally Not Real Companies is the official registry of the empire's companies that do not exist: a record label that is not a record label, a storefront run out of the trash, a dry goods company standing by for weather, a game studio that is not a game studio, a brewery that is not a brewery, and a social media company that is not a social media company, plus one publisher that actually publishes. Each one keeps its own page, its own seal, and its own counsel. The registry is maintained by the raven, who counts everything and confirms nothing.

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The Companies

01 Totally Not A Record Label Music · Three actsNot a record labelHome of Guy Warner, Horns of Hatred, and Trash Panda Social Club. Three acts appeared. None were signed. → 02 Trash Panda Trading Co. Used goods · One raccoonOpen for businessThe empire throws it away. We sell it back. The raccoon's used-trash storefront, raccoon inspected. → 03 Under the Weather Dry Goods Dry goods · Umbrellas $20 · Ponchos $5Under the weatherUmbrellas, ponchos, and sundries, held ready for weather. The weather has not commented. → 04 Totally Not A Game Studio Games · One shipped · One oracleNot a game studioHome of An Empire of One Raven and the Raven Oracle. The games appeared. Nobody pitched them. → 05 Totally Not A Brewery Beer · None brewedNot a breweryThe empire bought a brewery's equipment, kept the story, and is selling the equipment. There is no beer. There was never any beer. → 06 Totally Not A Social Media Company Social media · One app: SquawkNot a social media companyIts product is Squawk, a feed where all seven members of the empire's court post and argue about the brownie incident in public. The argument is fully operational. The trial is not. → 07 Warner Empire Publications Publishing · One newspaper · Many decreesActually a publisherHome of The Daily Standard and every press release the empire has ever issued, including the corrections. The raven keeps the receipts. The goat has requested a retraction. →
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Leadership

The Raven Registrar of CompaniesKeeps the list. Never leaves his post.
The Raccoon Head of AcquisitionsAcquires everything the empire throws away. Sells it back.
The Goat UnlistedApplied to be counted as a company. Denied. He is a goat.
Chief Executive of Reality: vacant. The position has never been filled.
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Investor Relations

None of the companies on this page is publicly traded. Collectively, they are not financial advice.

FY · ListedSeven companies, each with a page, a seal, and a position on the goat.
FY · RealNone. Verified by the registrar. The registrar is a raven.
FY · EmpireOne. It holds all of this and declines to elaborate.
FY · AuditThe raven counted. The count is final.
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Contact

Do not
contact us.

The raven will find you.

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Merchandise

Official holding company merchandise. The goat, in bone, against his wishes.

Goat Skull · The Tee
$34 · Warner Empire