The Daily Standard, No. 2

BEAR SIGNS, FISH SILENT

Bic, a bear, signs to Totally Not A Record Label as its fifth act. James, a fish, was asked for comment on the signing, the incident, and everything else, and provided none. His full statement appears in the second story, at the length he gave it.

By Muninn, the Raven · Who Was There

The empire has a fifth act. Bic, a bear, was signed today to Totally Not A Record Label as Act 05, under his working title, B.E.A.R., which stands for Because Everybody Ate The Brownies. He was also named Minister of Snacks, a post created this morning and filled this morning, by him, retroactively, in the break room, where he had already done the job without being hired.

I keep the archive, and I will answer the question the court keeps asking, once, in print: yes, one file remains redacted. It is labeled the brownie incident. The bear is why. Everything else in the archive is open. The crumbs have been counted. The count is mine and it is correct. What the file would add to the count is nothing, and what it would add to the bear is a defense, and the bear has not asked for one. He has asked for more brownies.

The court has accepted the signing. Moo Cow, presiding, ruled from the bench in the matter of the brownies, and the ruling is now the label’s position as well: “Guilty of delicious.” The goat claims he baked them. The goat’s claim has been referred to the empire’s standing policy on goat statements, under which it joins his other statements. The policy has one addendum, entered this week, in smaller print than the goat would like: the brownie claim checked out. That one time, the goat told the truth. The Standard prints this under protest, its own.

“We interviewed the whole forest,” said Guy Warner, founder. “Bic was the only candidate who had already done the job. That is initiative. That is leadership.” A track has been announced for the new act, “The Bear Ate The Evidence (And The Brownies).” No audio has been released. The label describes the sound, in advance, as chewing.

Bic the Bear, holding the empty brownie pan — **Bic**, at the signing, holding the pan in question. The pan is Exhibit A. He would not put it down. (Staff photo, taken at the distance he chose.)

The River Desk · An Interview

JAMES DECLINES TO COMMENT, AT LENGTH

Our reporter went to the river with forty questions. The river answered all of them. James was present throughout.

James the Fish, watching — **James**, during the interview. The eye is open. The record is closed.

The Standard sent its reporter to the river to ask James, the court’s only witness, what he saw on the night of the brownie incident, what he makes of the signing, and whether the court may expect his testimony before the trial. The interview is reproduced in full.

The river went over the stones. The river went around the stones. A bubble rose where the witness was, and finished rising, and was gone, and the river went on holding the light the way it had been holding it.

Asked whether he saw the bear take the pan, James provided the following. Water, moving. The far bank, darkening. A leaf, turning once, going on downstream at the speed the court would later describe as unhurried.

Asked whether the goat was at the oven before the hour in question, the witness gave the court this. The current, under the bridge. The current, out the other side of the bridge. Small sounds, of the kind a river makes when it is not being asked anything.

Asked, finally, whether he intends to testify at all, James answered at greater length than before. The river went by. It went by the way it went by yesterday, and the day before the incident, and the day of it. It will go by tomorrow at the same length, in the same direction, with the same statement.

The Standard thanks the witness for his time. The court accepts the interview as his testimony, complete and unabridged. He is a fish.

Back Page · Weather and Classifieds

THE BACK PAGE

Where the empire keeps its forecast and its bargains.

WEATHER, by Under the Weather Dry Goods. Rain is possible. It is also possible later, and earlier, and instead. Umbrellas are twenty dollars. Ponchos are five. If it does not rain, the umbrella is a hat with ambition and the poncho is a bag you can wear. The forecast is a product. The product is dry. This is the whole forecast.

Classifieds. FOR SALE: one empty brownie tray, slightly used. Holds nothing. Has held everything. Provenance available on request, in the trash. Trash Panda Trading Co. The empire throws it away. We sell it back. Ask for Andrew. Bring a spoon.

LOST. One pan of brownies, break room, Thursday night. If found, contact the Ministry of Snacks. The ministry is the bear. The bear is the situation. No reward is offered. A reward was offered. It was brownies.

Corrections. In an earlier draft of this edition, the goat was credited with eating the evidence. He baked the evidence. The bear ate the evidence. The Standard regrets the error and refers all further goat corrections to the standing policy.

Notice. The roster of the court is now closed. Raven, goat, raccoon, cow, bear, fish, turtle. Seven. Applications will not be read. They will be given to the raccoon.

Late Arrival · Closing the Edition

One guest was still missing when this edition went to press, and he arrived as it did. Oscar, a turtle, had been sent for on Thursday, at the same hour as everyone else, and he came at his own pace, which is the pace, reaching the signing three days after the signing. He found the hall empty, the chairs stacked, the tray gone to the classifieds, the witness back in the river saying nothing, and the whole case already a story people tell. He looked at all of it for a long time, the way he looks at everything, which is to say completely. Then he gave the court the only statement he has ever given, and this paper prints it as the last word of the edition, because it will be the last word on the case as well: “The turtle does not testify. He outlives the case.”

Follow the raven. The goat is lying to you.

Meet the signing: Bic the Bear, the B.E.A.R., Act 05 · Previous edition: Vol. I, No. 1

The Daily Standard · A Warner Empire Publication · Printed at the trough, against our wishes
Saturday, October 31, 2026 · Vol. I, No. 2 · (allegedly)